Opinion & Commentary:
A bar mitzvah by the sea
By Annette Wexler
April 25, 2008
People dressed in bathing suits relaxed on a beach in
Behind them, further away from the water, a group of about 120 barefooted people in party clothes were assembled on chairs facing a small podium. On the podium was a Torah, and standing behind it, was a smiling curly-haired boy with shining dark eyes and the relaxed demeanor of a polished, but warm and friendly politician.
"Hello, all you Jewish people," he announced, even before the ceremony began.
On either side of the boy stood two women, Jake's tutor Ilanna Green and Cantor Shira Fox. Seated nearby, pianist Nicholas Fryman played Hebrew music on a keyboard.
The boy is my grandson, Jake Wexler, and he was celebrating his bar mitzvah. Jake's father, my son Alan, is married to Marie, who is Catholic. In fact, all of my four sons, including my son Steven, who died of a heart attack four years ago, married Catholic girls -- and I couldn't love Marie, Maureen, Karen, and Joanne more if they were my own daughters.
Jake is the only one of my nine grandchildren who has decided that he wants to be a Jew.
"I want to say thank you to everyone who came here today," he said. "I know many of you traveled a long way, so I just want to tell you that it means a lot to me that you are here."
Jake, who began studying for his bar mitzvah in September of 2007, read his haftarah perfectly, just as his father -- my youngest son Alan -- and his uncles Steven, Ronald, and Bruce, had done many years ago.
Jake's tutor, Ilanna Green, is a Hebrew schoolteacher at Kehillat
"During my first interview with Jake I asked him why he was doing this," she said. "He told me he wanted to go through this process and understand his Jewish roots."
Ilanna is a member of the
"Think about it," she said. "What is the difference? The philosophy is that we choose the path -- not that we are chosen. That's really what is so special about Jake. He's one of the nicest kids there is and I learned to love him because he's such a cool kid. He's a person who wants to do things, and he's determined to do them."
Jake began his bar mitzvah studies with a rabbi, but after several lessons, the rabbi moved to another location, Alan explained. Family friends recommended Ilanna.
"You don't need a rabbi to get bar mitzvahed, and Jake chose the beach location," Alan said. "Jake's belief in religion is stronger because he designed what a bar mitzvah meant to him and the way he wanted to do it."
In his speech, Jake noted, "A bar mitzvah means connecting with other generations. My grandfather Sol passed away a few years ago. Having a bar mitzvah makes me feel like I can know my grandfather more. He was really connected to Judaism. Having a bar mitzvah connects me with the rest of my family and because of it I will feel closer to them. I wish my grandpa could be here. I think he would be very proud that I carried on this Jewish tradition."
The Mourner's Kaddish was said during the services, "dedicated to Jake's Grandpa Sol and Uncle Stevie."
Alan, Marie, Jake, and Margot moved to
About his mother, Jake said: "Mom, I couldn't have done this without you. You're always understanding, always there for me, picking me up from friends' houses, taking me to soccer and driving me to Hebrew lessons. And Mom, you have a sense of humor, just like mine. You are incredible and I love you so much."
Of his father, Jake said, "You try so hard to take care of us. I can tell you everything and you understand as if you're my age. You are my best friend. Dad, I love you so much!"
And of his 9-year-old sister Margot, Jake added, "Margot, Margot, Margot. You are always with me. When I'm doing sports you are there, always watching me, even if you don't want to go. I can't see myself without you as my sister."
Jake, a talented soccer player, said he is grateful for his health, and for his friends.
"I am grateful for my athletic abilities; without them I don't think my dreams could come true," he said. "When I grow up, I want to be a professional soccer player in a different country. By playing soccer I will see the world, from little villages in
When he began studying for his bar mitzvah last September, Jake didn't think he'd be reading Hebrew so soon, "but by the end of my first lesson with Ilanna I was reading," he said. "Ilanna, I am so lucky to have you as my teacher and my friend. "I will miss the days that we studied and had fun together. You will always be a part of my life."
Alan thanked Marie for "everything that Jake has accomplished, from his choosing to become bar mitzvahed to what we have all just witnessed. From the invitations you received, the chairs you are sitting on, the mic I am speaking into and the celebration this evening -- this is all because of Marie," Alan said.
"Marie and I decided when Jake was born to allow our children to choose their religion," Alan added. "For Jake it wasn't a question. There wasn't a doubt. He didn't ask for permission. He made a choice. He made that choice like he makes all of his choices -- like he chooses to be a great student, a great athlete, a great son, brother, and friend. I admire his spirit and determination in the choices that he makes. Most importantly, I have complete confidence that he will make the right choice on his own."
Grandpa Michel Barruel, who lives in
"First, you come from parents who have very different cultures and religions," Michel wrote. "This is the result for both of the transmission during centuries of traditions. It is important that you study and understand these traditions, question your parents and grandparents and transmit them in turn.
"Secondly, I am very happy that you chose the religion of your father. The Jewish religion is the oldest monotheistic religion and the origin of all others, including the Christian one. I admire their transmission of the holy books and their continuous study from centuries to centuries. Religion is important in order to study the origin of manhood, our purpose of life, and interrogations on our death.
"Be proud to exercise your religion -- and I hope you will be able to do this in a peaceful world."
In her speech, Marie remembered holding Jake in the hospital, looking into his eyes and falling in love with him.
"I remember the moment well because it was so powerful," she said. "I have watched you grow from that tiny infant to the teenager that you are now. Over the last 13 years I have watched you develop traits and characteristics that will serve you well in life."
Marie spoke about Jake's sense of humor, compassion for others, ability to make friends, his intelligence, technical savvy, and athleticism.
"I have watched you over these last eight months preparing for this day," she said. "I have watched you struggle and grow and I couldn't be prouder of you. I pray that you will continue your spiritual path and grow stronger in your faith. I also hope that as a man you will continue to uphold the ethics and morals that we have taught you. I pray for your happiness and well being, which I believe comes from following your passion. May you always follow your passion and happiness will be yours."
According to Ilanna, "Marie represents the beauty of this fantastic family. "In the Book of Proverbs, Eshet Chayel is a Woman of Valor, and that's Marie in my eyes," Ilanna said. "Thanks to her, Jake, Alan, and Margot look so good. She teaches the kids to be menshen."
Little sister Margot was the last person to speak. "Jake, even though we fight a lot I am still proud of you for working so hard towards your bar mitzvah," she said. "Thanks for letting me watch TV when you're babysitting me when it is not my TV time. I am proud of you Jake, but I still can't wait for you to move out."
After the ceremony, family and friends enjoyed a party at Duke's restaurant on
If all the world's people could become the kinds of human beings that personify Jake Wexler and our family, our world would be a perfect place. I am blessed.
The author is a resident of Edison, and a former contributing writer for The Jewish State.