Singles Life:
Narcissism in Mr. Rodger's neighborhood
By Dana Greene
Taking a walk, Hope heard a white-haired neighbor, who must have been in his late 70s, call her "sweetheart." She responded: "Excuse me, do I know you?"
He wasn't quite sure, but his face lit up. "Oh aren't you that woman who started her own party planning company last year? I heard it's been quite a success!" Then Mr. Rodger said: "What's wrong with you? You're attractive, intelligent, why aren't you married? You must be narcissistic," he concluded.
Hope couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Oh yes," she thought to herself, "I love going to nightclubs and asking myself to dance."
Being well-educated, Hope knew Greek mythology. Narcissus was universally adored, but scorned everyone until he was cursed to fall in love with his own image. He stared at his reflection in a pond, eternally miserable and frustrated that he could not be with the one he adored. Not realizing that his loved-one was his own reflection; he presumed it was someone else. Yet he rejected all others in the "real" world and eventually died, solitary and self-enamored. To this day, the narcissus flower grows in water hoping to catch a glimpse of its love.
"Just because I'm in my early 30s and single," Hope continued, "doesn't mean I'm narcissistic. Could it be that I just haven't found the right person with whom I'd want to share life? Do I want to be in the half of all marriages that end in divorce?"
"And besides," Hope added, "it's not as though I sit home. I'm always out with someone, but often our interests and values are not the same," she added.
"Well, what are you looking for?" Mr. Rodger asked.
"Simply, I'm an educated, successful, well-traveled woman with her own company and I'm looking for someone who can match my interests," she responded.
Readers, do you empathize with Hope? Is there a huge problem within our generation Xers? Do people no longer know how to engage in conversation? When was the last time you spent the evening sitting fireside enjoying each others company? Do gen-Xers need to be constantly entertained?
Mr. Rodger seemed a bit shocked by Hope's answers, but she didn't let up. "Sure I've dated men who could be the one, but then they reveal themselves and so far it hasn't been pretty," she told him. "What's wrong with them?" he asked. "Well, after several dates, if a person doesn't want to spend a little time getting to know my friends, it's a pretty good indicator right there. One really nice man was a neat freak and actually yelled at me for spilling tomato juice on the kitchen counter. That was definitely not going to work," she said.
How about taking a closer look at today's society and comparing it to the expectations of Mr. Rodger's youth?
Married for 52 years, the Rodgers raised four children. He provided his wife with a weekly household allowance, a nice home and his kids with college educations. Times have changed. Today double incomes are necessary. Back when Mr. Rodger was a lad, a handbook was used to teach women how to be good housewives. Quoting an actual 1950s high school Home Economics textbook, this excerpt explains it all:
"Make him comfortable when he arrives home from work. Have a cool or warm drink ready. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
"Prepare the children. Wash their hands, faces and comb their hair. They are his little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Encourage the children to be quiet. Make the evening his. Never complain if he doesn't take you to dinner or to other entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world and his need to unwind and relax."
You don't have to be a narcissistic woman to dislike the rules in this dated textbook.
Today, women regularly are college educated. Many go further, attaining higher degrees. After being students all their lives, some women may want to actually see what life is like out of school. They may want to taste the freedom of having their own apartment, living on their own, working and earning, having responsibilities, maybe even traveling a bit. It's not so much about "hurry up -- got to get married" as it use to be when Mr. Rodgers, was single.
Misconceptions are unhealthy. Why do we consider women who are not married narcissistic? Is it a crime that Hope loves herself enough not to settle?
In Judaism, we're taught the value of self. "I think the judgmental attitude that results in that type of name calling is the antithesis of love," said Rabbi Alexis Roberts of Congregation Dor Hadash. "The heart of Jewish ethics is that you should love your neighbor like yourself. Without a compassionate, kind, forgiving relationship to the self, one can't be in positive relationships with others," she added.
Talmudic sage Hillel said: "If I'm not for myself, then who will be for me." Call it narcissistic if you like, but personally, I call it common sense. And as long as love exists, there's hope. Maybe we should all plant narcissus bulbs in our garden of dreams.
All singles have a story to tell. Some are funny, some are sad and some are inspirational. And all give us a glimpse into the lives of today's Jewish singles. What's your story? You can contact "Single Situations" by email at danagreene1@yahoo.com.