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Once, twice, or thrice divorced

By Gail Simons

Special to The Jewish State

When my friends and I used to discuss the qualities we wanted to find in a perfect mate, one of those listed items included "never married." Avoiding a divorced person at the time seemed like a good idea. After all, we were young, and we weren't looking for someone with obvious baggage.

There were perceptions my friends and I had about a divorced person. We figured they obviously weren't good at being in a relationship; they must be horrible communicators; terrible at conflict resolution; and they weren't able to admit their mistakes or learn from them. Now some of these perceptions might have been accurate for some divorced individuals, but it certainly wasn't a model.

Of course, as we got older (and found ourselves still single) it was hard to avoid meeting someone in our age group who wasn't divorced.

But what about dating a person who is newly divorced?

Devon wrote in to tell me how he didn't think he'd rush into dating a newly divorced woman any time soon.

"I just started seeing this woman whose divorce had been final for four months. Although it seemed like enough time had passed, our dates were consumed with talk about her ex-husband and how they spend time together with their children and what his opinions are about this and that. I really like this woman and was hoping this ex-talk would have ended on our third evening out. Obviously, she's not ready to be in the dating field."

Dating a newly divorced person is like dating a single person who is fresh off a breakup. And, just like any ending relationship, time is needed to heal emotional wounds. I know some people like to jump back into the dating scene quickly so they can get a sense of what it's like again, but it's not always the right thing.

What about dating a person who has been divorced more than twice? Does that make them a bad prospect?

When a person is jumping from relationship to relationship, they are usually looking for something they can't find. Perhaps they are looking to fill a void within themselves. But it doesn't always make them a poor dating candidate.

Take the story sent in by Amanda. She writes in to say how her good friend met and dated a man not many women were interested in because of his "sordid past."

"When I was in my 20s, in the 1950s, a group of my friends and I went to a single's dance. At one point, my friend Gladys pointed out a gentleman she thought was handsome, but the other girls quickly tried to shut down her interest. "You wouldn't want to be interested in him," they told her. "He's not only divorced, but he's been married three times!"

It was definitely shocking to hear that this happened in her day, as well as the caveat from her friends.

"However," Amanda continued, "Gladys didn't blink an eye. And later in the evening, when the third-time divorce asked her to dance, she accepted. Well, wouldn't you know it-- they went on to get married and to have five children! They stayed married until death parted them. So you can't always judge a person from his or her previous marriage experiences."

She was right. Three other women's discards turned out to be Gladys's soul mate. Her "marriage-hopper" turned out to be a great catch for her.

I do think Gladys's situation was an exception and not the norm, but the happy ending was nice.

My perceptions of dating a divorced person have matured with age. I no longer look at being divorced as a negative, but rather as a positive. I realize that a divorced person brings a lot of experience to the dating table. They have experience of living and dealing with the everyday stuff that comes from being together. Plus, they often do learn from their past mistakes and don't want to repeat them in their new relationship.