Advice on coping with those holiday dating dilemmas

By Gail Simons
Dec. 7, 2007

As if day-to-day dating doesn't require a manual in itself, the holidays can add a new set of dilemmas to any relationship.

Whose family do you spend the holidays with? Do you invite your boyfriend or girlfriend to your family's house for a festive meal? Do they have to go? Can you take a casual date home for the big feast, or is that way too presumptuous?

These are just a few of the complexities of the holidays.

These challenges not only plague budding relationships, but long term ones and even marriages as well.

Take, for instance, Jesse. He writes to tell me about this new girl he took out a few times. Her family lives out-of-town, and she couldn't afford to fly home for Thanksgiving. He wasn't sure what should be the proper protocol. Would inviting her over to his family's house be interpreted as coming on too strong?

"I've only gone out on three dates with this new girl," Jesse said. "When I asked her what she was doing for Thanksgiving, she said her family was out-of-town, and it was too expensive to fly home. I felt a bit awkward. I had just mentioned earlier the big Thanksgiving my mom was putting together. I wanted to invite her over, but I didn't want to send her the wrong message.

"Would it seem like too much pressure to join my family for a holiday meal? Would she think perhaps I liked her more than maybe she liked me? We haven't been dating long enough to even warrant meeting the parents. But, I decided to take a chance, and invite her over. And, she surprised me and accepted."

Inviting someone you hardly know to your family's house is a risk to take in a new relationship. You never know what type of third degree questioning Aunt Ruthie might subject the poor gal to. But, I think the invite will be seen as genuine with no hidden agenda. Sometimes it's best not to over-analyze the situation and go with your gut feeling.

If both families live in town, and you are in a long-term relationship, where do you go for holiday meals? One couple I know solved the problem by alternating between their parents' houses, one on Passover, the other on Thanksgiving. I heard another creative solution, but this one requires a large appetite.

Ian writes, "My girlfriend and I decided that we would eat dinner at her parents' house, and then go to my sister's house for dessert with my family. Although it seemed a practical idea, I cannot tell you how stuffed I was after eating all that food. I did not realize you couldn't say no to dessert if that is the only reason you are there!"

A big dilemma arises when you are in the transition stages of a relationship. You are starting to get a little serious, but you still haven't brought him home to meet mom.

Missy emails to say how upset she is with her boyfriend who she invited to join her family for Hanukkah for one of the nights, and he won't go. She's been dating him for several months. She wants to know if she is being overly sensitive by feeling hurt or if she should be more understanding to his feelings?

Missy explains, "My boyfriend's family doesn't live in town, but most of my family does. My mom throws an annual Hanukkah party and my sisters, brother, aunt and uncle, nieces and nephews, and grandma usually attend.

"This year my mom extended an invite to my boyfriend, but he doesn't feel comfortable going. He says he has an issue because he has not met my parents, and he said he'd feel uncomfortable meeting them for the first time. Plus, having to meet every other relative at once, too. But, we've been dating for almost a year! He's known me long enough to meet some of my family."

I can see both points of view here, but I have to side with Missy. After dating someone for almost a year, he should have met the parents if they live in town. In a relationship, you should want to.

Meeting someone's family for the first time in any social situation can be uncomfortable, but it comes with the territory. I can see your boyfriend feeling more comfortable if he had met your parents previously, but if he cares about you, tell him to put on his big boy pants and deal with it!

Holidays can be stressful without adding relationship woes in the mix. There is food preparation, family struggles, and what gifts should you buy. Adding dating etiquette just makes the situation even tougher. There isn't always a right or wrong answer rather it takes some comprising to make sure that you do what works for both of you in your unique relationship. Fortunately, situations have a tendency to resolve themselves, and I have yet to meet a problem I could not solve with a stack of latkes or a big slice of apple pie.