Bernard Jacks
December 5, 2008
Oh, man, the things I could tell you about personal responsibility. Especially about people who lack it. Not me, of course.
I talk the talk about personal responsibility every day, and could give you an hour's lecture about people who don't take responsibility for their actions. But I won't make any speeches here because some of you might be offended, and I wouldn't want to be held, you know, responsible.
But I really am aware of my obligation to be accountable for the outcome of my decisions. Like, last Wednesday, I was lecturing my friend Brian over at Starbucks about how he never clears up his coffee container and napkins and always leaves the table wet. I thought my argument was particularly penetrating and instructive, but instead of thanking me, he told me to shut up or he'd dump a steaming grande French Roast, black, no sugar, into my lap. So I shut up. If that isn't being aware of the consequences of my actions, I don't know what is.
Not that I make a habit of criticizing people for a lack of personal responsibility. It wouldn't help, anyway; things have gotten too far out of hand. For instance, my shirts often come back from the Cleanliness Next to Godliness Perfect Laundry and Dry Cleaners with broken buttons. I bring the shirt back to the laundry and ask the guy, "What's with you people - you're always breaking my buttons."
"They break when they're being ironed. What's the problem? We fix them free."
"I know. But bringing the shirts back is a nuisance. I want you to stop breaking the buttons."
"We don't break them. Nobody breaks them. They're ironed by machine."
"But it's your machine. That means you're breaking my buttons!"
"Listen, I told you we fix the buttons - what are you getting so steamed about? Your face is getting all red."
"Yes, yes, you're right. My blood pressure. I'll calm down. Just let me take some deep breaths. Look, I'll settle for you just saying you're sorry about breaking the buttons."
"We never say we're sorry."
"Why not, for Pete's sake?"
"It makes it sound like we did something wrong. Say, your face looks more normal now."
"Yeah, I'm calming down. OK, OK, I give up. The broken buttons are not your fault. They're the machine's fault."
"Now you got it. You want the shirts on hangers or in a box?"
Ultimately, people not taking responsibility for their actions, no matter how foolish, leads to the wacky warning label phenomenon. The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) holds an annual contest - some typical entries of actual labels:
With preemptive defenses like these considered necessary to ward off frivolous lawsuits, one wonders how a manufacturer about to release a new product, say a new-design electric drill, goes about deciding on the wording of the warning labels:
Manufacturer: OK, what kind of warnings do I have to put on this thing?
Lawyer: Hmm… what you have here is a device that causes a piece of sharpened metal called a drill bit to go around fast and make holes in wood, metal, or stone, right?
Me: Well, yeah, it's a drill. People aren't going to set it on high and use it to remove earwax.
Lawyer: Interesting possibility! Maybe just in case, say, "Do not use drill to remove earwax. "
Me: Really? But what if they do anyway, and say, "I would never have thought of sticking the drill in my ear to remove my earwax if you hadn't mentioned it on your warning label. It's your fault I spattered brain matter all over my newly-painted living-room wall!"
Lawyer: Could he still say that after drilling a hole in his brain? Anyway, to be safe, I think the label should say, "Do not be so stupid as to insert drill, powered or unpowered, into any body part, yours or anyone else's, including pets."
Me: What if the user can't read?
Personally, I wouldn't sue the manufacturer. First, it's stupid to stick a drill into your ear to ream out earwax. Second, the doctor says my eardrum will heal pretty soon.
Bernard Jacks lives in Marlboro.