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When my children were babies, I often didn't know how to make them happy. I prayed that they would learn to talk quickly so they could tell me what they wanted.

I thought that once they learned to talk, I'd have no further problem understanding their wants and needs, but I was wrong. I began to realize that they weren't telling me everything. I had to guess a lot, even though they could speak. Sometimes they got a wrong impression of things and I couldn't know it unless I paid rapt attention -- and sometimes not even then. Today, as a grandmother, I continue to notice that kids may not really understand when you assume they got it.

On July 4, my son and his family were going to a barbeque. That morning, he spent a little time explaining the holiday and the concept of freedom to my 5-year-old grandson. Later, when it was time to leave the house, he suggested that the boy go to the bathroom. The child went into the bathroom and did not come out. After a decent interval, the father went in to see what was going on. "Did you pee yet?" he asked.

"I don't have to," replied the boy. "I got freedom."

This was followed up by the boy's refusal to move from his seat on the bus to a seat nearer his mother.

"I got freedom," he said again.

A lot more talking was required to explain how and when the concept of freedom was to be applied.

In another instance, one of my grandchildren was watching his aunt struggling with his little cousin as they were leaving a family dinner. The little girl refused to have her coat put on. Tired and frustrated, the mother lost her temper and shouted, "If you don't let me put your coat on, I'm gonna kill you." Obviously, she didn't mean that.

My grandson, about 5 or 6 years old at the time, went into the kitchen and got a knife. Silently, he handed it to his aunt.

"What's this for?" she said, quickly removing the knife from his hand.

"To help you kill her," he said.

This stopped everyone in his tracks and required a lengthy explanation. In every family, somebody always gets mad enough to shout "I hate you" at somebody they really love. Often, it's a teenager shouting at a parent who finds it necessary to deny permission for some action the teenager regards as crucial, while the parent feels it is unwise, dangerous, or too costly.

The first time this happens, the parent may feel as if he or she has been punched in the gut. Afterward, when the situation has been resolved and things return to normal, everybody understands that the kid really didn't mean it.

Early on Thanksgiving morning this year, a 3-year-old boy was in the kitchen with his grandmother as she began to cook dinner.

He heard her say, "OK, I guess it's time to put the Big Boy in the oven."

He ran out of the kitchen crying, "I'm not going in the oven."

Startled, the grandmother ran after him to explain that the Big Boy was the turkey, not the child.

Even adults get into hassles over misunderstood words. If the issue is misunderstood and not resolved immediately, things can fester for a long time.

One young couple got into trouble over what the husband thought was a compliment to his wife.

"I didn't marry you because you were beautiful," he said to his new wife.

She choked on this for years until, in the midst of an argument about something else, she reminded him of his remark. Stunned, he looked at her with his mouth open. He explained what he'd meant. He'd been trying to say that there were many other attributes that endeared her to him – not only beauty, but so much more.

A teenage girl and her father got into a bad situation when she made a remark about her mother.

"Why did you marry her?" the girl asked.

The father, who loved the mother and the girl deeply, smacked the girl. The girl only meant that the father and mother were so different intellectually, religiously, and emotionally that she found it hard to understand how they had come to love each other. The father considered her question to be insulting and derogatory to his wife. This was never resolved. The father died without understanding the question and the girl could not speak of it -- ever.

Long ago, I read Carson McCullers' book, "The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter". It's about a man who is a deaf mute. Everyone in town loves to talk to him because they feel he understands everything. He smiles and nods but, in reality, understands nothing.

Life is a little like that. We speak and are often unknowingly misunderstood.

At a class on communication techniques for couples, my husband and I learned to repeat back to the speaker what you think you heard. It's not always what you were trying to express. We learned to watch eyes and body language.

In loving relationships, it's a good idea to say the good words (I love you, you're beautiful, etc.) so often that if you mess up with bad ones, the listener will know which words are true. If all else fails, hugs and kisses go a long way toward telling the truth.

Toby Rosenstrauch, an award-winning columnist, lives in Boynton Beach, Fla.