Singles Life:
Finding your match behind door number two
By Michele Alperin
Feb. 15, 2008

cutline: Life and dating coach Gayle Crist (right) shared some tips at a recent Princeton singles event.

Gayle Crist, a life and dating coach, canceled a first meeting with the man who was to become her second husband and instead drove six hours to Niagara Falls to meet the guy she thought would be the man of her dreams.

They had talked and laughed on the phone for four hours on both Saturday and Sunday, and she decided it was worth heading north. But it wasn't. "As soon as I saw him, I could tell there was no attraction," she said.

When she got back to Philadelphia, she wrote to her now-husband Jim again and asked if he would reconsider a meeting. "I don't like to be the guy behind door number two," he told her, but he was willing.

She had almost lost Jim once before, by specifying that she was looking for someone from 45 to 50 (she was 50). He was only 43 so he didn't write to her. (She sought him out.)

Shisler is very energetic and a great believer that with eight million plus people out there, there's someone for everyone, and she has a lot of suggestions about how to connect up with that someone. She has even written a book to help people out, based on her own experiences: "How I Met my Second Husband Online at Age 50: A Dating Coach Shares the Keys to Her Internet Dating Success."

She offered a number of hints to an audience of about 65 at a meeting of Mercer-Bucks Jewish Singles at the Jewish Center in Princeton on Feb. 10:

Use several sites at the same time -- there are about 850 to choose from. It can be a bit pricey, but Crist pointed out that you don't necessarily have to stay on a site for the long haul. Yahoo!, for example, has a seven-day free trial, and Crist believed that a single could write to everybody whose profile looked interesting in a week.

Each site has its own character. Shisler recommended staying away from certain sites. She found the guys on match.com, for example, to be too pushy on first meeting, got a bad taste, and none of her clients have liked the site. And even the good sites have their quirks. JDate, for example, is free and keeps pictures forever, so it is probably not worth writing to someone who has not signed on in the last week.

Be persistent. "I tried Yahoo three times in a four-month period," she said, and she kept thinking, "all these yahoos I'm meeting on Yahoo!." But then she met her husband there -- that was after 14 times online, but she had already spent nine years in traditional dating.

While on the quest for a relationship, Crist managed five to 10 e-mails a day and two to three meetings a week -- to people who fit maybe eight out of ten of her parameters (and she fit most of theirs). She advised plunging ahead and not taking the absence of a reply personally -- people may be busy, corresponding with other people, or they may be so involved in new relationships that they haven't had time to take down their profiles. "Don't sit by the computer waiting," she said. 'Write to new people."

Show and tell the truth about yourself. Although you want to present yourself in the best possible light, you need to tell it like it is. Don't hide behind sunglasses. Be sure to include a clear long shot of yourself. "If don't feel comfortable including a long shot, don't use online dating," she advised.

You don't want people to be surprised. "If you say you're average, they get a preconceived notion and will be disappointed when you show up," Crist explained.

On the other hand, certain truths may not be eternal. One woman in the audience who used to have short, curly red hair decided to grow it and get it straightened at the suggestion of girlfriends who said her hair looked old fashioned. And she got many more responses.

Take care with your photo and profile. Crist recommended using a professional photographer who can highlight your best features and create a picture that has decent lighting, a good pose, and is crisp and clear.

To women, she said, "You should wear a nice dress or skirt -- something you feel pretty in." And, she added, "You should look friendly and happy -- who's going to want to be with you otherwise?"

For the profile's headline, pick the most distinctive thing about you, but also try to put yourself into the heads of the people who will read it. The headline on Crist's profile was "Optimist Seeks Partner for Sharing & Fun," and a client had a lot of luck with "I'm cute and I love to cook."

Stretch your limits. Don't fixate on age, said Crist. She noted that her husband didn't care about age; he just wanted someone he felt comfortable with and was attracted to. You should be willing to travel at least an hour to meet someone. She also suggested being as open as possible about a person's appearance.

Check profiles carefully. Don't get involved in e-dating unless you have time to look at profiles and read them carefully, or for that matter to write one of your own that really reflects who you are.

Women, be an initiator. In the 21st century, Crist said, women should be willing to take the first step. "It's very non-threatening online," she said. "You're not really being a pursuer; you just you took the first step to reach out." If you're not as bold a person as Crist, you could list a man on your list of favorites to clue him in that you're interested.

Write a great first e-mail. Make sure it's not a template or form letter. She suggested opening by giving a compliment about something the person said in the profile: "You really blew me away with what you said about such and such," or "I was so impressed by your sense of humor," or "I can really tell you have a great relationship with your kids." You should also include a question to encourage the person to write back with an answer, for example, "Where do you like to hike?"

Don't spend a lot of time at the e-mail stage. "Most of the lying is on e-mail," she cautioned. She remembered a guy who shared beautiful poetry, and when she replied, "What a romantic! You write so well. I would really like to talk to you," he disappeared. She advised not more than two e-mails. To move from the e-mail stage to the first meeting, you might write, "Do you mind giving me your cell phone number." (Note that you should always be using cell phones only at these early stages.)

Listen carefully at the telephone stage. Here's where you are checking for what kind of conversationalist the person is, whether they listen, and even what type of vocabulary they use. You are still looking for clues about whether you want to meet. And, added Crist, "Some people fall in love when they hear a voice on the phone." If you feel rapport on the phone, then it's time to meet.

During the phone call, Crist would have the profile in front of her, with yellow highlights on what she liked as well as what she wanted to know more about. She always asked at least one values-oriented question, because that matters more than hobbies. Telling a story is sometimes a good lead in to this type of question. Crist would sometimes talk about her Polish mother who had no checking account and then say she feels comfortable with people who are good money managers. As a follow up, she might ask, "What was your upbringing like?"

Do a quick get-together the first time, either coffee or ice cream. "You will not know if you have chemistry until you meet," she noted. "You will know in five minutes if you have an attraction." If you don't, having dinner can be torture. A good way to set a definite time limit is to tell the person you have about half an hour until you have to get to something else that evening.

Try to stay upbeat. You may want to appoint a personal cheerleader to help you through this. Also, moving from site to site or changing your picture and profile from time to time may get you more action. Be sure, by the way, to update your picture every three months, or, said Crist, "people will get sick of looking at you." Or you may just need to take a break, spend time with friends, and regroup until you are ready again to face the quest with enthusiasm.

Finding a relationship online is like a job, but try to keep it, in a way, impersonal. Pursue it systematically, keep it fun, and don't invest emotionally in every e-mail. Crist advised, "You have to have your own life."