Home

When my husband was a boy, he spent a lot of time alone. Older than his two sisters, he did not have playmates within his family. His father worked long hours and the family had little money.

There was no car. He had friends, played basketball, studied clarinet and saxophone, went to Hebrew school, and became a Boy Scout, but he still had a lot of free time. He doesn't remember ever going to his parents to say, "I'm bored."

When left to his own devices, he drifted into activities that beckoned to him. He found ways to fill the empty time with many interests. He read books, made useful objects out of wood, and got involved with ham radio and photography. He went fishing and roamed the seashore studying what the tide washed up. Solitude was a useful pleasure to him. Following his instincts, he filled his time creatively. He learned who he was and what he might become.

I, too, was the oldest child in my family. My brother, seven years younger, was no playmate for me. I never felt bored either. I had friends, went to Hebrew school, tried to read every children's book in the library, learned many kinds of hand needlework, joined clubs and played tennis. Outdoor time was spent in parks and at the seashore.

In retrospect, however, the most important thing I did with my free time was invent musical notation. Often alone in my grandmother's parlor with no toys or books, I plunked on the piano I didn't know how to play. I began to make up little tunes. Soon I had several in my head and needed to write them down before I lost them or mixed them up.

Unable to read music, I developed a system of dots -- up dots and down dots -- to record my melodies. My system worked. I never showed my musical work to anyone; nor did I ever tell anyone about it. It was my first experience with making something from nothing. Later, of course, I continued to do this with words, making stories, poems, and now a novel from nothing. Large amounts of free time helped me to develop in creative ways.

Children today rarely have the time to develop in this way. Free outdoor play has given way to teams and competition. As hard-working parents struggle to give their children the best of everything, including whatever they never had, children's lives become over-structured. Technology takes over their time. Unlimited television viewing, computer time, texting, and listening to pop music fill every leisure moment.

No doubt that the kids know more about their world than we ever knew about ours, but do they know as much about themselves -- their interests, talents, ideas, and dreams? I don't think so. Some of them never get the chance to try things that their parents haven't chosen for them. Some are pressured and overwhelmed by the competitive activities in which they are enrolled.

What happened to outdoor time to simply enjoy nature -- to catch butterflies, plant a garden and eat the vegetables you have grown? (Michelle Obama did this recently with some children at the White House.) What about staying up at night to see a planet visible in the night sky? Why should you have to play in Little League or ice hockey if you hate it and you're not good at it?

How do you know who you are and what you really like if you never get a chance to dream and explore new ideas and interests? I once wanted to take a couple of kids to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Their father, a sports-oriented person, saw no point in it.

"We don't like that stuff, do we kids?" he said. The kids never had a chance to answer for themselves. Who knows what thoughts might have been triggered by a visit to the Egyptian exhibit at the Metropolitan?

When a child's life is too structured, social skills sometimes get neglected. I remember a friend one of my kids once had. He was brilliant and eventually became the valedictorian of his high school class, but he was the shyest child I'd ever met. He'd come to my house to pick up my son and hover in the vestibule without speaking to anyone. It took about eight years until we got a "hello" out of him, rarely more than that. His life was crammed full of lessons, sports, Hebrew school, and clubs to such an extent that he could barely breath.

He was so immersed in structured activities that he never had a chance to develop socially. Miraculously, he did get married but I'm sure the girl must have chased him. At a wedding years later, I spotted him lurking around the edge of a group of young people I was talking with. Shy as ever, he could not come forward to speak as the others had done. He just stayed there until we went to him to say hello. We had known him all his life.

I think it's important to have time to just "hang out" with friends, or spend time with a loving grandparent whose life experience and hobbies may provide valuable influences on a child's growth, with a rabbi or teacher who could stretch the child's mind.

Some unstructured time is good for a child. Experts say that self-directed play helps a child develop imagination and creativity. It also aids in the child's emotional, intellectual, and social development.

Toby Rosenstrauch, an award-winning columnist, lives in Boynton Beach, Fla.