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I used to think that marriage was just the union of two people. Now I know better. As a long-time observer of the human condition, I am aware that marriage is also the union (or non-union) of two families. What happens when these two groups come together is crucial, unless one family lives in Siberia and the other in Kansas. Even then, some occasional meetings will probably occur.

When my first son was engaged, his fiancee's parents invited us to dinner. Afterward, my husband and the bride's father went into the den together. Over drinks and cigars, the father asked my husband if we were planning to contribute to the wedding. My husband asked what he had in mind. The man gave a tentative figure.

Since we had discussed the matter in advance, and our figure matched his, they shook hands on it. Shortly before the wedding, we gave him a check. The evening was the beginning of not only a good in-law relationship, but also a warm friendship that continues to this day.

Unfortunately, not all in-law relationships begin that way.

I know of one case where a bride's family invited the groom's parents and the same format was attempted. When asked politely what he might consider contributing to the wedding, this groom's father said, "I made a wedding for my daughter. Now you make it for yours." You will not be surprised to learn that, except for state occasions, those parents have nothing to do with each other.

Another bad beginning to an in-law relationship was related to me by the banquet manager of a major New York catering establishment. This story was repeated by a rabbi recently and once again on a television program about wedding woes.

The father of a bride chose to pay for the wedding in cash, probably because he was offered a discount for doing so. He came to the wedding with the cash in an envelope in the inside pocket of his tuxedo jacket. As the evening wore on, he felt too warm, so he removed the jacket and hung it on the back of his chair. He got up to dance. When he came back, the money was gone. The poor guy was hysterical.

As luck would have it, somebody had been taking a video at the time and inadvertently caught the incident on tape. The thief was revealed. The groom's father! What possessed the groom's father to do such a thing? I shudder to think of the relationship between those fathers after that.

Fathers-in-law are usually not the cause of family friction. More often, difficulties arise between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.

A mother-in-law made the mistake of telling her son her impression of his fiancee after the first time they met. "She's too quiet. Why doesn't she speak up?" the mother-in-law said. The young man foolishly repeated this to the girl who, forever after, felt that her mother-in-law didn't like or approve of her.

Sometimes, one family considers itself to be superior to the other by virtue of education, social position, financial status, or intellect. A recent movie, "Something New," starring Simon Baker, examined the relationship between a black professional woman educated at Stanford and Wharton Schools, the daughter of two physicians, and a white man who is a landscape designer.

At the end of the movie, the girl's family realizes that her happiness is the most important thing and they drop their objections to this really nice guy. In this case, however, the issue of race makes the problem even more complicated. Wouldn't it be wonderful if things like this could work out so well in real life?

Unfortunately, in our society, the mother-in-law is often the butt of jokes. She is considered intrusive and meddling. On sitcoms, the visit of a mother-in-law is not treated as a pleasant event.

When baby boomers become in-laws, the jokes about President Obama's mother-in-law living in the White House are no longer so funny. They learn how hard it is to share your child with another family. The first time their married kids spend Thanksgiving with "the other family" comes as a jolt.

Later, when in-laws become widows or widowers, the grown children cringe with fear lest they become caretakers for an in-law they dislike.

Things like these are not unusual. They happen every day. It would be great if prospective in-laws could avoid years of seething anger and grave misunderstanding. Such things do not make life easy for a young couple torn between loyalties to spouse and parents. Marriage is hard enough without this kind of stress.

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone decided in advance to be on their best behavior with in-laws? My mother used to say, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything." I would add: "look harder and you will find something you can honestly compliment -- and then do it."

If my whole dinner was bad and the dessert was great, my mother would compliment that. She'd always look away and keep her angers to herself. As a result, she was a beloved mother-in-law.

The union of two families, even if they are from the same culture, brings together different ways of doing things. Neither is right -- just different. It's hard to bite your tongue, but it's essential. It's hard to adapt to people you have not chosen and may not even like, but, for your kids and the future of your family, you have to try.

From the beginning of the relationship, in-laws have to get off to a good start. If they get off on the wrong foot, they run the risk of becoming outlaws, not in-laws, for life.

Toby Rosenstrauch, an award-winning columnist, lives in Boynton Beach, Fla.