Singles Life:
When to back off
By Dana Greene
Jan. 18, 2008

My girlfriend keeps wondering why the guy is not calling.

I keep telling her you can't make someone initiate. He has to want to initiate. If the guy isn't calling, next! That's right -- it's time to move on.

It's so easy to say that from my position as a newlywed. But there were times when I needed to hear this very same advice.

At 22, you stress. You're in a transitional time, adjusting to being out of school, and now you're dealing with how the world really works, career issues, finances, living situations, etc. You also might be stressing about dating. It's a lot different than campus life. And you might suffer from anxiety and wonder why this new potential love interest is not responding to you.

There are so many reasons. I'm sure he thinks you're great, attractive, smart, but it's also timing. If he's not ready for a relationship, he won't bite. You can't make him bite.

And you certainly can't change that.

Even at 28, one stresses. Erin was saying Dave doesn't show much interest, and Dave is even older -- nearing 40. One male buddy from our weekly Jewish running group responded over breakfast, "As far as I'm concerned, when I'm interested in a girl, I'll chase her."

But like the 22-year-old, so many people live in denial. If you keep chasing someone, you should be able to tell if he's interested. Often he won't return calls, or maybe call after a few weeks, or if he calls, he prefers meeting for lunch rather than dinner, and then when you see him at group events, he say "I've been busy, just broke up with someone, not ready for a relationship, etc." And then you keep trying... again and again.

The excuses are lame and never true. If the guy is interested -- his thought process is: "If I don't go on a date immediately with her, it might very well not happen." The bottom line is if a guy really likes you, he doesn't play games.

Guys know immediately if they are attracted to somebody. Sometimes it's hard to break the shyness bubble. But if you force yourself to do it, it gets easier every time.

Some guys, like my friend Dave, are a bit out there. He wants a girl to chase him. I just can't see him chasing after someone. For that reason, he's limiting himself because he's not chasing after a woman whom he really wants. He's waiting, almost too intimidated, too insecure to go after someone else. Some guys are just terrified about rejection.

Erin made it obvious she was interested in him. Dave had no reaction.

Advice for my 22-year old girlfriend, your guy right now is all about medical school and his career. The timing is not good and the reality is it may never be.

When you're in a healthy relationship, both people feel as though it's equal. It should be a give and take. If one is working harder for the relationship than the other, it's just not going to work out in the long run. If you're doing all the work, initiating, calling, chasing, the relationship is probably not going anywhere.

When you're with the right person, it doesn't feel like work. There will always be someone else to get to know.

If it doesn't work out, stay friends with him. He may invite you to an event to get rid of you, but you may use that event as a way to meet someone else.

And when he does call, meaning initiates and wants to make plans to see you, you'll know it's because he's really into you.