Opinion & Commentary:
Important reasons why Jews should marry Jews
By Debbie Israel
Jan. 4, 2008
After reading "Deck the Halls: Interfaith Marriage in the 21st Century" I felt the need to answer this op-ed article.
First off, I have to say I have absolutely nothing against Mr. Laibow's beloved Cristina. She knows that there's something about a Jewish man. But Mr. Laibow, l'da'avoneinu (to our detriment), who represents an unfortunately growing number of Jewish people, seems to miss the point. He and other Jews like him don't realize how important it is for a Jewish person to marry another Jew.
Mr. Laibow, in his effort to justify what I believe he knows in his heart of hearts to be wrong, uses arguments that really, to paraphrase Gilbert and Sullivan, "have nothing to do with the case". In many circles, the practice and study of Judaism and Torah is being replaced by "Holocaustism" -- the study of the Holocaust -- and people focus their entire energies on studying the Holocaust, but are losing Judaism and the understanding of what Judaism means and what Judaism stands for. While I think what the Nazis did to everyone is horrible and tragic, for the purposes of arguing about whether or not a Jew should marry a gentile:
• It is irrelevant how many Catholics and other Christians Hitler and the Nazis murdered during the Holocaust.
• It is irrelevant how many priests and nuns and lay Christians risked their lives to save Jews during the Holocaust.
• It is irrelevant whether the anti-Jewish sentiment comes from the Catholic Church or the bigot on the street (and let us not forget the Pope who told Edith Stein, a nun who was born Jewish and was being taken to a Concentration Camp to die, to "go with your people").
• It is irrelevant how many JNF trees Cristina "owns" or how many times she goes to Israel.
Jews have known for thousands of years why it is important to only marry Jews. It is not because there are no nice, non-prejudiced gentiles. It is not because there aren't any gentiles who have been persecuted. It is not because we have nothing in common with non-Jews. It is not because what Jews have been through over the centuries can't be understood by any other ethnicity. It is not because of any of the above reasons because not one of those things is true.
Jews only marrying Jews did not begin in the 1940s. It did not begin because of the Holocaust. It did not begin in 15th century Inquisitional Spain. It did not begin because of persecution. It did not begin because we need to be different or separate from gentiles.
One of the things I find interesting about intermarried couples is the divorce rate. Here we have a group of people that is self-selected in that they didn't think intermarrying would bother them, and yet their divorce rate is 75 percent (according to Ohr Sameach -- http://ohr.edu/yhiy/article.php/2315). This might lead one to believe that there is more to it than most people think.
A Jewish woman I know married a Catholic man. She told me that there was no problem; they didn't plan on having children. Well, they changed their minds and he wanted to raise their future child Catholic and she wanted to raise their future child Jewish. If she had married someone Jewish, the decision to have a child would not have been clouded by the issue of what religion to raise the child.
It is important for Jews to marry Jews for several reasons. Jews who follow Torah law (those usually identified as "observant" or "Orthodox" or "Observant Conservative" or similar designations) live a life that is inconsistent with all other ways of life. We have what I call "intrusive lifestyle differences". We keep kosher; we keep Shabbat and the holidays; we keep the family purity laws. These are things that are incompatible with gentile lifestyles.
One cannot maintain a kosher home if one spouse is bringing pork or shrimp into the house on a regular basis. One cannot appreciate the beauty of Shabbat or even keep Shabbat if one spouse is watching TV, or talking on the phone. And as for family purity laws, these require a level of commitment that may lead the gentile spouse to feel unloved (these issues can even occur between observant and non-observant Jews living in the same home, how much more so of a Jew and Gentile sharing a home and a life).
For many years, Reform and Conservative have encouraged the gentile partner to convert to Judaism so there will be no dilemma of living a Jewish life. Orthodox rabbis are now beginning to be more welcoming in this regard. There are organizations where couples can go that will teach the two potential spouses how to live an observant Torah life and then assist the non-Jewish partner to convert.
This set-up is much better than having children raised in a house where two religions compete for the spotlight. We live in a country where Christianity and its values and customs and religious beliefs are center stage. The only way Jewish children can truly assimilate Jewish values and Judaism is to be in an environment where Judaism is in the limelight. They need to live in a home where Jewish values are their values. They need to attend schools where they are taught Judaism and Jewish ethics.
When it comes to moral, ethical, and religious values, only one system can reign supreme in the home, otherwise you end up with very perplexed children. In the home of Jews, this system needs to be Judaism.