Up, up, and ... up
By Bernard Jacks
July 4, 2008
News Item: Several airlines have announced that they will start charging $15 for the first checked bag.
"Epstein's Kosher Country Ranch, here we come! Only a plane ride away! I'm really looking forward to this week, Louise. Hiking, horseback riding!"
"Me, too, David. Let's get our bags checked in. Over there -- empty lane."
"How many bags will you be checking, folks?"
"Just two, hers and mine. One apiece."
"Are you aware of our service improvement? A charge of $15 for each checked bag?"
"Fifteen bucks to check a bag? That's an improvement?"
"We like to think of it that way. Will you be paying with a credit card?"
"Wow. Yeah, a credit card."
"And will you be bringing your bags back with you?"
"Let me think... no, I'm going to throw everything into the nearest dumpster as soon as we land."
"I see. What I mean is, you can pay the return charge now, if you wish."
"Sixty bucks to check two bags. Louise, next time we'll have to pack lighter."
"Don't look at me -- I''m not the one taking a dinner jacket to a dude ranch."
"Here are your boarding passes, folks. Everything's on schedule and your flight boards in 45 minutes. You're in our new extended terminal. Gate 763."
"Right. Is there a charge now to go through security, too?"
"That's run by the government. We'd charge you for it if we could, but it's out of our control."
"Look at that line at Security, Louise! Okay, shoes off. You lean here. I'll lean over there."
"I can manage standing on one leg. It's the yoga."
"Do you have your government-issued picture ID, Louise? Your quart bag with all your liquids or gels, three ounces maximum? Your boarding pass? No scissors over four inches, no..."
"For heaven's sake, David, I read the same instructions you did! Now just finish getting your shoes off. You wore your lace-ups instead of your loafers, didn't you?"
"They go better with the dinner jacket."
"Put your shoes in these boxes, folks, also your jackets, carry-ons, loose change, clumps of keys, cell phones, heavy belt buckles and cameras, and step through the scanner. Take your computer out of its case."
"Sure. Maybe the x-ray blast will fix the darned thing."
* * * * * * * *
"Well, I'm glad Security's behind us. Now, which way to the gate? Um, let's see, Gates 650-750 that way. By the way, Louise, I didn't check -- do they serve food on this flight?"
"Maybe those little fish cracker things. I'm sure you won't need your dinner jacket."
"But I'm hungry. I think we have time to pick up a sandwich. There's a food stand."
"David, what gate are we near?"
"Um...Gate 2."
"And where do we have to be in...let's see...10 minutes?"
"Um...Gate 763. I see your point. Let's go. I've got some butterscotch mints. We better take that moving walkway thing."
"Good idea, but look -- it's out of order. Better run."
* * * * * * * *
"Here we are, all sweaty and out of breath, but at the gate on time."
"On time for a 90-minute delay, David. Check the flight board."
* * * * * * * *
"It's been over two hours, Louise, and now boarding is taking forever. Looks like people are trying to beat the $15 bag-charge by packing as much as they can into their carry-ons and stuffing them into the overhead bins. Say, buddy, quit pushing -- and what have you got in that duffel bag? It's huge."
"Shh. Not so loud. I've got my little boy in there. With all his stuff."
"Your little boy? How did you get him through security?"
"He doesn't mind the x-rays. Gives him sort of a tan. And I not only beat his fare, but the $15 bag charge because I'm carrying him on! What a deal!"
"Louise, next year we drive to the ranch."
"Four-dollar gas, David. Maybe six by then."
"Hmmn. Well, so this will be our last trip to Epstein's. It'll be less of a hassle to stay home and buy our own horses."
Bernard Jacks lives in Marlboro.