Singles:
From dating to marriage, how long is too long?

By Gail Simons

After being involved in a relationship for three years, Cindy emailed to ask me, "How long should two people date before they get married?"

Great question. There is no right or wrong rule on when to get married. It all depends on the individuals and on each relationship. If you are in a healthy relationship, in your early 20s, I don't think it's unrealistic to wait up to three years before deciding to get married. If you are a little older, I wouldn't wait more than two years. Hopefully, after a few years into a relationship you should know if you are ready to move forward.

However, I've known many people who have dated for five years or more who didn't end up getting married. In those cases, I think the relationship becomes easy and comfortable so there's no reason to change the status quo. Complacency settles in and that's probably why a couple stays together. I also know people who have dated longer and eventually did make it official. Each relationship is unique.

Cindy emailed me back to tell me that she wasn't interested in waiting much longer. "If it doesn't happen soon, I'm going to move on," she wrote. The question begs to be asked: why doesn't Cindy make the move? What is she waiting for?

I completely understand how Cindy feels. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship that you feel may end up at a dead end. Why waste your time?

I do think it is important, however, to be patient and to not push marriage or make ultimatums of a similar nature in any relationship. That will send the other party running faster than you can say Adon Olam.

Talking about ultimatums, a close friend of mine, Whitney, is not just the queen — she's the spokeswoman for them. She is a beautiful and intelligent woman in her late 20s who can't stop giving each of her new relationships a speech before their one-year anniversary that they either get engaged or breakup. It really is a shame because I think if she were to be patient things would fall into place, and it would happen for her. You can't force another person into a marriage. And, with the high rate of divorce, why would you want to?

There are also the "just dating forever" relationships, where two people stay together for more than a few years without ever discussing a future of marriage or moving in together. If your intent is never to get married then perhaps this is the ideal relationship. But why stay with someone out of comfort?

Putting a timeline on any relationship is a lot of pressure. There is no set rule as to the timing because of the uniqueness of each relationship. If your goal is to get married soon, I don't think it's unreasonable to wait at least 16 months. Some men and women need more time before taking that big step, and making them decide at or before a year is a bit pushy. Just as the oldie but goodie song, "You can't hurry love," advises, "You can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait . . . It's a game of give and take."