Singles Life:
Moms want to help us meet Mr. Right
By Dana Greene
March 14, 2008

We've all heard the saying "Don't put all your eggs in one basket" and we know exactly what that means: Date several people at once! Also, we've been told we're supposed to have three men in our lives.

One man is on his way in, one man is in, and one man is on his way out. And all these clichés come from that species we know as "Our Mother."

Moms want us to be happy, but they also might feel as though there's a need to "control."

I don't think they want to control all aspects of our lives, but dating is one aspect in which they seem to feel entitled to have a huge say. I know because I have a mom. Moms want to know what's going on. Who are we dating? Who are we interested in? And they try to set us up with different friends' sons, and friends of friends' sons.

"The last fix up was a lawyer in LA. I live in San Diego. Who wants to commute? Another one was a nice, Jewish doctor in New York. But I live here. What was my mom thinking?" asked one of my girlfriends.

It's not that we don't appreciate our moms' interest. We do. We want the same things for ourselves that our mothers want for us. But they need to realize we need to mold our own lives and that includes our own successes, discoveries and mistakes. We don't need added pressure. It doesn't help us.

"If you are constantly being told the same thing, it becomes more frustrating and annoying, then beneficial," said another single friend.

"My mom needs to understand that I don't need a reminder that I'm not married yet, don't have kids yet, that I'm older than she was when she married and had me. I feel as though she's my biological clock. I don't need that constant reminder. Things have changed since my mom was dating and society has changed. And I don't think I should have to settle just because of my age -- 32," she added.

This girlfriend is in a new relationship with a younger man. Her mother is worried that the younger man just wants to "get experience" and isn't thinking about the long term.

"I would think that she'd actually be happy that I'm with a good person, who treats me well, versus being in a bad relationship with someone who cheats on me and belittles me," she commented.

Although I'm an outsider, I know this fellow and his character seems solid. If the only problem is age -- five years to be exact -- then what's the problem? He's not acting immature or insincere, or like a stereotypical "player-type." He seems serious about her, understanding, caring, and quite thoughtful.

In our society, because the stereotypical man matures slower, it's considered normal for women to date and marry men who are older. Realistically, that leaves women widows for a longer period of time.

On the flip side, if two people connect, and the man happens to be younger, it's really working in the woman's favor. If they end up married, he'll ideally be around longer than an older husband.

"If I'm in a strong, healthy, relationship with a good Jewish man, what more would any mom want? That's what I would want for my own daughter. I would want someone who wants to spend time with her. Someone who isn't afraid to meet the family and discuss the future, someone who wants to make plans," she said.

We have to remember that our moms are trained to want to help us meet Mr. Right. They probably had the same thing happen to them at 20-something -- out of university and still unmarried. Back then, if your mother at 22 was unmarried, she was considered practically an old maid.

My father laughingly tells the story of how my grandmother was so worried about my own mom meeting Mr. Right that she had flyers made with her daughter's -- my mother's -- picture and she was handing them out on the main street corner in Connecticut. After all, my mom was 24 and still unmarried. Shameful in those days!

Our moms want and expect us to marry the successful, handsome, good, Jewish man. As time goes by, maybe a mother might be willing to compromise on at least one thing, age? In matters of the heart, moms should trust their daughters' own judgment.

Dana Greene is an award-winning nationally syndicated columnist based in San Diego. She writes about relationships. You can reach her via email at danagreene1@yahoo.com.