Singles Situations:
You can't change people to fit your wants
By Dana Greene
March 28, 2008

You've been spending time with the same person for a few months now, maybe even a year and the relationship is just not fulfilling your needs. It's not that your needs are so demanding, it's more like your wants and needs are different from the other person's wants and needs... and together you're just not meshing.

So what do you do? You move on in your search.

Recently, Rose was dating a man -- we'll call him "Mr. Soap" for obvious reasons. Mr. Soap had been introduced to Rose before the holidays. She liked his renaissance style, witty euphemisms, and calming influences as he was an avid reader of poetry, prose, and valued the written word. But he was also another one of those "emotionally unavailable" men we've been hearing about lately.

And so for about four months, Rose spent time trying to understand Mr. Soap because she felt he fit the mold for the type of man for whom she was searching. However, it was not all one-sided. Mr. Soap would call her almost regularly, but not quite everyday and when he did make contact, he would call her sweet names, but not all the time.

It was as though he didn't want her to become too comfortable, or relaxed with their  relationship. Yet he wanted to give her enough to keep her coming back for more. Their relationship was a game to him, a game of control, which required rules, yet none had been defined.

From the start, Rose had asked if he knew what he was looking for in a mate and he would jokingly respond with vagueness. In between dates, countless days would go by and Rose would have no idea when the next time they would see each other would be. And again countless hours were spent wondering when he would call to make future plans or even just to hear his voice on the other end.

And yes, there were countless minutes wasted on the phone line with girlfriends, babbling into the receiver like a teenager preparing for the prom: "Does he like me? What makes you think that?"

However many minutes and hours totaled we'll never know, but the anxiety and energy usurped does not make for a seemingly normal and healthy blossoming relationship. Rose should have known better. The "red flags" were there; she just chose to ignore them by following her heart rather than her head.

Yet we all have at one point or another fallen into a trap. Whether it were self-induced or because the person we were dating was ambiguous, the way to achieve wisdom, is through pursuing truth.

And truth comes at different times. At Rose's age, singledom is not a big deal. At 28, she's attractive, intelligent, and fun.

So why should she settle for less? Isn't that a question we've all asked ourselves at one point or another? Am I settling? Or is this person Mr. or Miss Right? Or maybe, this person is just Mr. Right Now. And does a person really need a Mr./Miss Right Now, who could be an obstacle when truth and the "Real Thing" could be just around the corner?

Until we realize that we can't change people, we'll keep hearing stories like Rose's. And from men as well who say, "we dated for years, but she was a shiksa so in the end, we broke up." You can't change people to fit your wants! Get it?

At what point do we settle? When do we say, is this person good enough for me? Or this person isn't my perfect vision of an ideal mate, but I think he or she will make a good life partner? And how do we know when to keep searching and exploring the different personalities of the people in our lives already? Maybe we've found the person who best completes us, but we just need time to learn that within ourselves.