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A newspaper article says that scientists are often pressured by their institutions to keep ahead of the competition by releasing research results prematurely... and newspaper headlines often blow medical stories out of proportion.

"Lucille! Look at the paper! There's been another medical breakthrough! This is fantastic!"

"Relax, Harold, stay in your chair. That's the third breakthrough this month. Does this one actually cure anything? Or at least prevent something? Remember -- there was a recent article in the papers about breakthrough announcements that said things like beta carotene was good for you, and then maybe it wasn't, and that bales of fiber and keeping skinny and eating a low fat diet including 75 servings a day of fruits and vegetables, not to mention taking vitamin C and E supplements, were supposed to keep you healthy, and then not so much. Does the article say this breakthrough is really going to work?

"Well, let me see. I guess not, Lucille, nothing for sure yet. But they seem to be making progress."

"Toward what?"

"This scientist identified an important gene, thanks to all the new genome information."

"What does the gene control, Harold, the early onset of Breakthrough Cynicism Syndrome?"

"Don't be petty, Lucille. He says that manipulating the gene may allow people to live an average of 200 years while maintaining youthful vigor, full sexual function, all their mental capacity, and smooth elbows. I sure wish this had broken through when we were younger."

"That sounds really impressive, Harold. I'll bet he isolated the gene in the DNA of 100-year-old mountain people who eat nothing but carrots and wood chips."

"He didn't find the gene in people, Lucille. He was trying to understand how a centipede keeps its dozens of legs moving together so its feet don't get tangled."

"What do centipede feet have to do with people living longer?"

"He has a theory -- I'm paraphrasing here, but he thinks aging is partly the result of the little bitty things inside our cells moving every which way, colliding all the time and knocking important parts off each other. He figures that if this centipede gene -- he's named it NOBEL4ME -- can keep all our inside bits moving in the same direction all the time, the bumper-car cell damage will be minimized and we'll live longer."

"Is he testing this breakthrough on all those Harvard graduates and nurses used in the studies that change our lives every 18 months? Like first it's good to take this or that vitamin supplement and then it's not? "

"Um, it seems he hasn't quite progressed to testing his theory on humans yet."

"Chimps, then?"

"No."

"Pigs?

"No."

"Mice? Fruit flies?"

"Worms, Lucille. He introduced the centipede gene into one of those tiny transparent worms scientists love to experiment with, then focused his microscope and saw all the parts inside the little critter moving together like a synchronized swimming team going for the gold."

"So where does the article talk about life extension?"

"Right here! The modified little guys lived the worm equivalent of 200 human years!

"So, on the basis of some microscopic aquacade I've got to look forward to 40 more presidential election cycles? Harold, let me tell you a secret for evaluating medical breakthroughs. First of all, does the article say the discoverer of this gene left his university, picked up some venture capital, and started a new company called, maybe, Big Bio Bucks, Inc.?"

"Doesn't say anything about it here."

"I thought not. Second, Harold, and this is the more definitive test: is there a 'Now, however' in the article? It would be at the beginning of the second or third paragraph."

"Lucille, you're being mysterious. What's a 'now, however'?"

"That's the key to whether the discovery actually does anything, Harold! Every medical-breakthrough needs one. Say the article starts with: 'Last year, doctors gave young Bryan no chance of living unless he ate six pounds of oats every day. A terrible outlook. But if there's a 'Now, however,' the article will go on to describe how they fixed his condition, as in: 'Now, however, thanks to scientists at Johns Hopkins....' You see the rest. If there's no 'Now, however,' it means there's been no breakthrough, and nothing has changed. The kid spends his whole life hanging around the shipping dock at the Quaker Oats factory."

"No, there's no 'Now, however,' Lucille, and he hasn't formed a new company."

"Too bad. Say, have you read about any antioxidant breakthroughs lately? I've got half a bottle of vitamin A capsules left for when they say it's OK again."

Bernard Jacks is a freelance humor writer who lives in Marlboro. His columns have appeared in the N.Y. Times, Smithsonian Magazine, and other publications.