Singles Life:
It's never too late to learn about love
By Dana Greene
September 12, 2008
"Why did you attend the lecture," I asked one 20-something male who was obviously on the young side for this age bracket of 50-years plus? "It sounded like an interesting thing to do and I hoped I might learn something," he responded.
And his girlfriend, who was probably the instigator, "I saw the flyer and thought it would be fun to do with him."
So why did I go to this relationship lecture? I guess because I wanted to gain a different perspective on the Martian species, share some helpful tips, and because my editor made me!
Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky, who is married with kids, says he knows the secret to relationship bliss as he spoke at Temple Beth Israel and revealed this 3,500 year-old relationship model by putting it into modern language and by creating a "roadmap" of success. I guess anything that old deserves the spotlight at least for an hour or two.
"So what's the difference between men and women anyway?" he asked the audience. "Men want women to satisfy one need, while women want men to satisfy all needs," one man said. "What else?" the rabbi asked the audience. One woman answered that men can only do one thing at a time, while women are multi-taskers. The rabbi jumped in: "Women are relationship beings. Men are not."
"A woman's essence," the rabbi continued, "is built around relationships, and for her, it's the process which matters in reaching the conclusion. However, men are result-oriented and generally just want to reach the conclusion."
"So what does a man need to be in a relationship with a relationship being? He needs a job -- and that job is making her happy! When? All the time!" This sounded good to me. I was definitely enjoying this perspective. "If a man makes a relationship being happy by focusing on her, she will then turn around, take that energy and make her man even happier," the rabbi said to the males in the audience.
"How do you make a woman happy?" he asked. "The key to a happy relationship involves the three As. If a man gives a woman the appreciation she deserves, attention she wants, and affection she craves, then he's guaranteed to fill her needs," he said.
First example, Appreciation. Men bond by having shared experiences such as watching Monday night football, or playing golf, etc. But women connect through their words and by talking. That's why we spend so much time on the telephone. So men need to know that this is a tool for showing appreciation.
Second example, Attention. Give her eye contact. That means turn off the television, put down the paper, and give her undivided attention.
Third example, Affection. "A foot massage works. So do bouquets of flowers. A potted plant is more fiscally responsible, but she must care for it, so it defeats the purpose of showing affection because it's something else she must care for in her busy day. Also men, always speak in affectionate tones. That means even when you're paying the Visa bill, speak affectionately with love and respect."
That said, the rabbi switched gears and examined the woman's role in creating an amazing relationship. "Every man is a giant ego with legs," the rabbi declared. "Women should realize that your mate will never fully understand you because you are too complicated. Also, for women 'everything' represents something in the relationship. So a woman should give her man a break when he fails to do his job. When he does his job, the woman must stroke his ego with positive reinforcement. This approach will lead to the man doing his job better and more often."
The rabbi continued by saying the needs of the relationship can only reflect the individual couple. If the needs always reflect either the man's needs or the woman's, neither will ever be happy. And the relationship will not work.
Since relationships are about balancing power and control, the rabbi suggested giving the woman the power within the relationship for a certain amount of time, say one week or one month and see how much happier you'll be.
All singles have a story to tell. Some are funny, some are sad, and some are inspirational. And all give us a glimpse into the lives of today's Jewish singles. What's your story? You can contact "Single Situations" by email:
danagreene1@yahoo.com.