Observances and Rituals: Looking back on a year's journey
By Lauren Matthew
The Jewish State
Last year, around the High Holidays, I took stock of my life.This isn't abnormal, at all. Most Jews do this. But last year was my second-ever Yom Kippur; this year was my third.
Last year, I remember feeling incredibly disappointed in myself. I spent Rosh Hashanah then, as I did this year, with the Routhenstein family in West Orange. They've watched my religious progress, mostly from the beginning.
I remember standing there, getting so frustrated I started to cry, and thinking that I had not done enough. I had not, I thought, come far enough, religiously speaking, in the space of a year. These things occurred to me this year again, while I was getting ready for Tashlich.
I stood in the same place I stood last year, with the same machzor I held last year, and I realized that my mind is completely different than it was the last time I tried to put things into perspective.
I understand so much more about myself and about my religion than I did last year at
this time. I have a rabbi to study with now; back then, I did not. Things that my family might find strange or not
understand, I am now able to explain well enough that they not only understand, they can quantify the importance of
these things to me.And I didn't know it yet then, standing there by the creek, but this year I was able to get through the entirety of Friday night Yom Kippur service without reverting to davening in English. I could do it all in Hebrew.
Last year, I hadn't even learned the aleph-bet yet.
Taking stock of my year was more than a little painful, though. Spiritually, I have made some incredible strides, and I'm very proud of myself for that. But there have been a lot of things that have not gone so well.
This year, my mother battled cancer -- and won. My sister lost a baby. I, and my family, have had more than a small dose of learning to cope with difficult things.
Standing there, feeling the wind blow through the trees and watching it ripple the surface of the creek in front of me, I realized something.
I got exactly what I wanted.
I wanted spiritual advancement, and help. I hoped for it so hard and prayed for it so hard that I thought I was going crazy. Growing up, I never prayed "hard." I recited the "Lord's Prayer" by rote. There was no feeling behind it.
Kavanah (intention) is a new thing for me -- and definitely a new concept -- but apparently I have it. This year, I got what I was looking for, in terms of religion. Pretty much everything I was looking for, right down to paperwork on my great-grandmother, listing her as Jewish.
This year, my faith got reinforced. Completely.
After Tashlich, I stood watching the water a few minutes. I thought about what I wanted out of this coming year. The big things were easy to enumerate: my mother to remain healthy, my sister and her husband to be happy and, God willing, have the baby they were trying for.
Then, as I was walking away, I smiled. I kissed the machzor and I said "thank you."
Lauren Matthew is the editor of "The Jewish State."